I'm taking a break from the relationship series because, to be honest, I'm still reeling from the beginning of a new year and a new semester chocked-full of changes.
I want to talk a little about the concept of change.
My take? I have a love-hate relationship with it.
On one hand, I love change because I often become restless staying in one place too long. On the other hand, change is painful. We've all experienced change in some form or another over the past year, and I dare say many of us wish we hadn't.
I have this letter board in my room. Last summer, at the beginning of August, I spelled out the phrase, You don't grow when you're comfortable. I don't remember where I initially found that quote (probably Pinterest), but per usual, I never got around to changing it.
So, there those words loomed on my dank Cross Third wall for the entire first semester of my junior year.
At the time, I liked that quote because I had just started dating my ex-boyfriend--my first-ever relationship--and I struggled a lot with fear. I had become so comfortable being single that I didn't realize how jarring it would be stepping into a relationship. It was a season I had never ventured in before, and that quote reminded me that change might not be comfortable initially, but through that experience, I would grow in ways I had never been able to grow before.
Around that same time, on the day before classes began, I received an email that would alter the course of my carefully-planned remaining year-and-a-half of college: my upcoming semester abroad had been postponed until the spring of 2022.
When I opened that email, my heart plummeted. It wasn't just a canceled trip; it was a broken dream I had been anticipating since high school. It was a taunting of all my insecurities come to life, having given up my position as a resident assistant to pursue the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study in Cambridge, United Kingdom for four months. That news deflated my anticipation for the year to come--as if COVID-19 hadn't already done that. I had to reckon with severe disappointment and roll with the punches 2020 kept throwing, completely uncomfortable and wildly out of my safe zone.
As summer transitioned to fall, one season of my life collapsed into another. I broke up with my boyfriend, and I had to learn how to grow through the change of beginning and ending my first relationship. I uncomfortably approached the Lord with my fears, doubts, and second-guesses, working through emotions of inadequacy and insecurity. After years of longing to be in a serious relationship, I found great peace in time, realizing that, to my knowledge, I have quite a bit of it. While many of my peers are getting engaged and living the dream I once held so tightly as a freshman, I am content just living, the Lord and me, for a little while.
Deep into the semester, with winter fast-approaching, I grew quickly into my shoes of academia, making a tidy little home in the English department. I consumed chapters and chapters of novels, nonfiction essays, rhetoric books, and JSTOR articles; I spent almost all of my late afternoons and evenings on the third floor of Squires Library, hidden among the shelves, furiously typing away or reading. I was in the trenches of my first 400-level literature course, and to finish the class well, I had to focus my energy on keeping up with the endless workload. As challenging and mentally-exhausting as that class was, I learned that I am capable of writing 20+ page-papers and could likely succeed in graduate school. Through the discomfort of studying constantly, I grew exponentially as a student and even began researching M.F.A. creative writing programs for post-grad life.
I also grew through various friendships. Each year of college, my circle of close friends has dwindled; I've learned that this is just part of growing up. Junior year has brought to my attention the stark reality that the friends who existed close within my circle freshman year have ventured farther away, and vice versa. I've spent significant time mourning the consistent presence of those friends, grappling with the fact that circumstances change and people will come and go. An estranged friendship doesn't necessitate a lost friendship. But, at the same time, people make time for the people they want to make time for, myself included. These are all uncomfortable realities that have molded me into a stronger, more assertive person over the past few months.
That's a bit of my 2020 experience. What about 2021?
I'm not sure yet. So far, I like the setting.
I just moved into an apartment with two new friends, and I have my own room (and bathroom) after two-and-a-half years of dorm life (and before that, sharing a bathroom with my brother)
I'm taking three writing classes (and loving every minute of it)
I'm a TA for a freshman composition class where my potential untapped teaching skills could (or could not) be discovered
I'm venturing into my second semester of being a section editor for Lee University's biannual magazine, the Vindagua
I have a handful of rock-solid people to lean on through the ups and downs this year may hold
I'm planning to finish up my required coursework by the end of December 2021, study in the U.K. for my final semester, and return in May 2022 to graduate from Lee University with a B.A. in English-Writing and a minor in advertising
2021 is the beginning of the end of college. It's a year that started with massive changes in my immediate life. It's a year that has offered me so many glimpses of God's faithfulness in the small things. It's a year of opened doors after months of doors being slammed in my face. It's a year I hope to let go of some of the anxiety that restricts me from living fully in the blessing of God's love and forgiveness.
It is a reminder that I am not going to grow when I am comfortable.
And neither are you.
If you're anything like me and you initially co-exist with change rather than embrace it, be encouraged that you are not alone.
Here are some questions for you to ponder:
What change are you running from?
If you're running, why?
What bad thing do you anticipate this change might bring for your life? What about a good thing?
Talk soon, friends.
xoxo,
Hannah
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