Who else has Valentine's Day hangover? And not the alcoholic kind.
You know there's nothing I love more than scrolling through my Instagram on Monday morning and seeing a mushy love post...romantic picnic...elaborate surprise date...and so on. You get the point.
And I'm not cynical, despite what my tone suggests. People are in love, and that's amazing. This could be someone's first Valentine's Day with their significant other or spouse, and they should celebrate the occasion if they want.
But if you're anything like me, you consistently fight the urge to throw yourself a pity party, text your ex, or make solitude your home. But that's the easy way out if you haven't figured it out by now.
I think what so many of us struggle with on days like Valentine's Day is processing the ugly emotions that so often rise to the surface under pressure--the jealousy that she got flowers and you got nothing, the bitterness that that couple's relationship is strong when yours didn't last, the cynicism that saturates your attitude when you see people who are "too happy."
A lot of these thoughts come from what Lysa TerKeurst coins the "scarcity mindset" in her book, Uninvited. I remember reading this book as a sixteen-year-old, and this idea still remains relevant in my life today:
“If I look at my dreams, desires, and hopes for the future as coming from a place of scarcity and the world’s limited supply, it will constantly feed the notion that someone else’s success is a threat to mine.”
Ouch. This still stings and it's not a new concept for me. Even when I honestly believe my scab has smoothed over, the wrong twist of my elbow can cause that wound to break open again.
We live in a competitive society where we are all vying to achieve the American dream--a nice house, a nice car, a good-looking spouse, a family, maybe a couple of dogs, and a little extra cash to spend. But we can't all have these things--there's just not enough to go around for every single person in the world to have everything they want.
And because our society values these things as status symbols, we recognize that we can't all have the same status. Therefore, resources are scarce and we must compete for everything, and if we don't get those things, it must mean we're not doing something right or that we're not as good as someone who has them.
I shouldn't have to convince you that having the total package--family, spouse, job, money--is a mere illusion of success. I shouldn't have to convince you that your identity is found in Christ and Christ alone, the One who knows you and loves you better than any human being ever could. I shouldn't have to convince you that one day, you'll meet someone who makes all the bad dates and heartbreaks melt away.
But who am I kidding? I need that reminder, too.
One of the most detrimental decisions I made when I was feeling my ugliest emotions was pushing them deep below the surface because it wasn't "Christlike" to have them. But, it also didn't work to pretend they didn't exist at all.
I used to struggle with worrying I was being "fake" if I congratulated or acted falsely cheerful around someone who had just received a blessing I'd been praying for. I'm talking specifically about relationships here because freshman Hannah struggled a lot, and junior Hannah still struggles sometimes.
You know, though, I think it just took a mindset shift.
It took acknowledging that yeah, I'm hurting and I wish I had what she has. It took choosing to push through that uncomfortable feeling of jealousy. It took picturing myself in her shoes and asking myself, how would I want her to react if I shared this good news with her? And while some may think it's being fake, I believe it's choosing to honor the Spirit over my emotions. And if it's a good friend that you trust, you can let them in and be honest about how you're feeling.
Actually, this is an even better way to process those emotions, if you're an external processor--talk to someone who gets it. Because chances are, if it's someone who is in a successful relationship currently, they most likely had a few heartbreaks along the way.
And, on the flip side, if you're one of those people in a successful relationship, wouldn't it be incredible if you could be that trustworthy, listening ear for one of your friends this Valentine's season? I mean "ear" literally. Sometimes the best thing a single gal or guy needs is someone who will sit with them quietly, no advice necessary.
The thing is, friends, we are a community. God's ecosystem is bursting with blessings specifically-tailored to each one of us, and they all come when He sees fit. If you're single, maybe your blessing right now looks like a dream job or steady friends. Maybe your dating friend is still praying for that job opportunity to line up. This isn't meant to cause you to compare your blessings, but rather to broaden your perspective. Sometimes we get so focused on the things we don't have that we forget about the things we've already been blessed with.
So, I get it if you're hurting. I do. But I would challenge you to work through that hurt if you haven't yet.
C.S. Lewis once said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." I don't know you, and I don't know your story. I don't want to offer your encouragements that glaze over the surface of what you're feeling. But I sincerely believe that your best is coming, and you've got to believe that, too. That doesn't mean the journey will be easy, or that next Valentine's Day will be without its usual sting.
Maybe, though, it'll sting a little less if you see her blessing or his engagement as an encouragement that your moment is coming. And maybe that moment won't look like a new relationship or a marriage, but I can promise you that it will be God's best for your life.
What emotions does Valentine's Day bring for you?
Are you suppressing a painful memory or emotion that you still need to work through?
Who do you trust? Who can you talk to about it?
xoxo,
Hannah
Comments