Okay. Let's get real.
Let's talk about singleness.
Singleness is such a taboo term, both in secular and spiritual circles.
It's as if we are afraid of both being alone and talking about being alone.
During the spring and summer, I find my Instagram feed flooded with engagement and wedding pictures. I love seeing these posts, but sometimes they strike a nerve.
Even when I find myself in a really good place-- content, happy, fulfilled-- at times, it is still difficult to be reminded that I am single.
And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Which brings me to this question: Why don't we talk about singleness?
I'm not talking about posts from newly-married Instagram influencers and young, popular Christian couples that say things like "Singleness is such a sweet season" and "Hold on because your time is coming soon."
Now, don't get me wrong-- those are well-meaning messages. My only issue is that they often glaze over how difficult the in-between really is. It's all well and good to preach about making the most of your single years, but I fear this removes the validity of the wide range of emotions people feel throughout their solo days.
Because, in case you haven't noticed, it is hard work to maintain standards of any kind in a world of instant gratification.
Over the years, I've read all the books and listened to all the podcasts on singleness and relationships. I've consulted the experts. And I've realized that it's just not that easy to be a content and happy single woman all the time. There is a lot of pressure to settle down early and find your "one true love," and I have to wonder if perhaps that algorithm just doesn't work for everyone at the same time.
I often feel like an outlier in the modern Christian world because I'm not currently in a relationship headed to the chapel anytime soon. It is strange that I would feel like the odd one out, considering most of the twenty-somethings in my circle are also single. Yet, I compare myself to the other women my age who are in serious relationships and getting engaged, and I feel as though my time is running out.
One of the subtle lies floating around our circles today is that you aren't complete without a wedding ring. I recently read The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, and I love what he has to say about this (pp. 195-96):
"Single adults cannot be seen as somehow less fully formed or realized human beings than married persons because Jesus Christ, a single man, was the perfect man...
Christians who remained single, then, were making the statement that our future is not guaranteed by the family but by God."
Wow. In Jesus' and Paul's era, singleness was seen as an honorable way of living. Not only that, but singleness was not given the shaft in Paul's teachings. He even encourages it. Read 1 Corinthians 7:25-40 if you don't believe me. Yet today, society snubs its nose and regards singleness as another plague to avoid. We have an addiction to being with another person, belonging to someone else; it's terrifying to be alone in stillness.
I've sat with the subject of singleness for a long time-- sometimes by choice, other times not. As a Christ-follower who longs for marriage one day but refuses to settle, I acknowledge the reality that in this day and age finding the right guy might take some time-- time longer than a "ring by spring."
The temptation during these prolonged single years is to prioritize my career, travel plans, friendships, dating, etc. But perhaps these are subtle idols I never realized I had. Keller continues,
"The same idolatry of marriage that is distorting their single lives will eventually distort their married lives if they find a partner."
Ouch.
So what am I saying, exactly?
I'm saying that being single is both a great opportunity to discover your individuality and unique, God-given purpose. By definition, singleness is also an incredible gift to spend uninterrupted time with the Lord. If you and I will allow God the proper status in our lives as single people, our faith in God can saturate every corner of our personalities and create joy that outlasts any relationship or heartache.
And then, when and if we finally meet the right people, we will be so confident in who God created us to be that we will approach relationships with an identity solidified in Christ.
I've been single pretty much my entire life. I've ventured across hills and valleys in the relationship territory. I've gone through seasons of doubt, disillusionment, fear, depression, contentment, joy, and peace. I've wondered if all this waiting is fruitless.
But how could the waiting be fruitless when the Lord taught me so much about how to handle rejection, navigate uncomfortable conversations, stand up for myself, and remind others that they are more resilient than they might think?
Singleness is also the only season in our lives where we can be modestly selfish with our time, resources, and decisions.
If I hadn't been single in college, I wouldn't have easily been able to...
Choose the college I wanted without outside opinions
Cultivate deep male friendships
Fully invest in the lives of my residents
Apply for a semester-long study abroad program
Start writing letters to my future husband
Become comfortable with going places alone and enjoy my independence
Unpack hidden fears and relationship baggage
Of course you can still do these things when you're in a relationship.
However, from what I've witnessed, they are a great deal harder to pursue simply because your attention is divided, and rightly so.
Hopefully, by now you get my point. When you are single, you are not responsible for the well-being of a significant other, spouse, or children. You're just you. You can be liberal with your time and invest in communities that are harder to invest in with dependents.
It's nice to have this kind of freedom as a twenty-something.
But this isn't what I desire my whole life to look like.
I want a husband, children, a dog, and a cute house somewhere safe. These are good desires; from the beginning of time, God placed a desire within His children for community and connection (Genesis 2:18).
I think the question we are seeking to answer is, What do we do in the in-between?
It's okay to acknowledge that at times singleness-- as much as we may try to mask it-- can be painful. We feel that there is something 'wrong' with us as we look at all our friends and family members involved in serious relationships. We worry about the future, questioning if God truly has a plan for our lives.
We fear being alone. To be frank, it feels easier to find solace in another human being rather than with God. This is what the world would have us believe, but it isn't true-- not for one second.
God is the only One who will ever be able to meet your unmet expectations. He is the only One who understands how deep your wound of rejection is. God's love is the only love that truly satisfies.
Am I telling you to forego that desire for a romantic connection on Earth?
Absolutely not.
I just think we have to stop placing relationships, dating, and marriage on a pedestal. Another person does not complete you-- God already does that when He comes to dwell inside our hearts.
There is such freedom in approaching dating with this mindset, knowing that true fulfillment is found in Christ and the highs and lows of human affection cannot touch your confidence. Protecting your heart doesn't mean you shouldn't ever date casually-- it just means you've taken steps ahead of time to safeguard your identity in God. The right person will only reinforce this security and draw you closer into the arms of Jesus.
There seems to be a lot of pressure in Christian circles today to attain this status of 'content-but-waiting' for singleness to be over. Content with the books we're reading, but waiting for the good parts to begin. I think of an older AJR song that goes like this:
If there's a good part then
I hope it's not far 'cause
I thought it'd be today
It's so hard
So can we skip to the good part?
I am just as guilty of this mindset as you may be. I want to bypass the hard chapters of my life and instead reach my happily-ever-after.
But you know what?
1. That's impossible, and
2. That's cheating.
The seasons of trials and discomfort are seasons of refining.
The battles you overcome in your mind sharpen you for the future.
The rejections serve as a reminder that you deserve better.
The breakups are a redirection to the specificity of your purpose here on Earth.
But in order to gain any of the goodness these heartaches hold, you have to experience them.
Yes, we are called to practice contentment in all circumstances (Phil. 4:11-13). I believe strongly in the importance of practicing gratefulness and cultivating contentment. It's the 'waiting' piece of this status that gets me. But you know what I think?
Waiting is not an adjective to describe your current season of life.
Waiting for a leadership position, promotion, spouse, house, family, etc. is not what defines you. When we use this kind of language to label our circumstances, we risk idolizing an unknown future rather than a known God who's provided so much for us in the present. Corrie Ten Boom illustrates this kind of trust in God so beautifully through her testimony in The Hiding Place. Perhaps one of her best-known quotes is this:
Never be afraid to trust your unknown future to a known God.
Friend, if you feel that you fall into this category of thought, I'm right there with you. It is a hard and painful truth pill to swallow.
We become so captured by the possibility of things to come, and it is important to remain future-oriented for the day that Jesus returns. But there's something so precious about time, and it's that we can never get it back.
I've spent too many years dreaming about the day I meet my future husband. I look forward to our first date, kiss, dance, and wedding day. However, that day is unknown to me at the moment.
One of the best books I've read on relationships is Ben Stuart's Single Dating Engaged Married. Stuart outlines the seasons of romance (and lack thereof), and I really like his perspective on singleness (p.40):
The God who has given you the gift of singleness will give you the grace to endure it.
If I am constantly yearning for time to pass quickly, I will miss out on the opportunities the Lord has for me in the here and now to build friendships, celebrate the successes of others, cry happy tears at my best friends' weddings, go on a few fun and awkward dates, and spend precious, uninterrupted time with God.
Wherever you fall on the relationship spectrum-- single, in a relationship, married- I hope you make the most of your circumstances. If you're single, love God. If you're dating, love God. If you're married, love God and your spouse.
It's just that simple.
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