Lord over all my insecurities
Lord over all my anxieties
Lord over all my fears,
Speak peace.
My car is my retreat.
My escape to the wilderness when I need quiet.
My corner of solitude when I need to be still.
My safe place when I need to let it all out.
I ride the line between introvert and extrovert, having unearthed my outgoing side freshman year and retreating to my introspective nature this year. Sophomore year's been an interesting experiment of learning how I recharge my battery and where I draw boundaries, particularly in my role as an RA.
Something no one prepared me for as I came to college a year or so ago was the constant flow of people. Dorm life consists of screaming girls running up and down the halls, Friday movie nights, and small group on Thursdays huddled in my cramped room. Campus life is buzzing, especially in the dining hall at noon. Everywhere I go, even if it's just walking to class, I manage to run into someone I know. It's both a beautifully consistent source of community while also sometimes being a source of suffocation to the average introvert.
That being said, last year I found my tiny Kia Soul to be my place of liberation from the overflow of humans. I spent many moments in Shelley the Soul calling my parents, spending quiet time with God, reading, and at times, crying.
The first thing I learned from my mother about driving was to always save the fast food napkins you get from the drive-thru and shove them into the glove compartment because 1) we shouldn't throw them away if they haven't been used (go green), and 2) you never know when you're going to need a napkin.
Therefore, I adopted the habit, and I didn't anticipate just how handy those brown, wrinkly napkins would be.
The more recent times I've found myself wiping away tears and sinking my body into the driver's seat of my car, it's been triggered by insecurity.
To pull some of my own examples from this past afternoon:
Does my outfit look okay?
Will people think I'm stupid if I say this?
I didn't wear makeup today, can everyone tell?
Does so-and-so think I'm a jerk because I didn't say hi?
I know right. Yikes.
But I'm really going out on a limb here and betting I'm not the only one who's had thoughts like these.
Eventually, if left unchecked, these thoughts spiral into bigger, more uncontrollable and toxic thoughts.
When I'm exhausted, I tend to burn out. When I burn out, I find myself more susceptible to reviving my spark not with a lighter, but with lighter fluid (i.e. negative thoughts). It's easier to believe lies about myself when I don't have enough energy to remember what's true.
I'm not a psychologist, nor do I have any interest in becoming one. Thankfully, there are some pretty cool people out there who've spent their lives studying the human mind, and while I may not know as much as they, I'm going to give it my best shot here and say that It's much more natural to manufacture negative thoughts about ourselves than positive ones.
In my experience with mental health, I tend to sink deeply into a not-so-good place if I focus on a bad thought for too long. If I do that, I begin to believe that the bad thought accurately reflects me. And that, my friend, is not what God desires for His children.
Insecurity is the opposite of confidence.
Insecurity, as you can likely deduce, thrives in a drained bucket.
Confidence, on the other hand, thrives upon warm, rushing water filling the bucket to the brim.
I'm working on stepping into confidence and away from insecurity, but it is no easy battle to fight alone. I need a little Divine assistance.
Back in August, I wrote out a section of Scripture intended to be our hall's theme for the year: Philippians 4: 8-9.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Shoot. Even in writing this, I see how faithful the Lord was in giving me this Scripture for the hall back in summer '19. I might even need to hear it more than my residents.
I believe God sits with me every morning, afternoon, and night I spend in my car, sniffling and blowing my nose into scratchy McDonald's napkins. I believe God sits with me on my best days when my confidence couldn't be higher, and I believe God sits with me on my worst days when I struggle to believe anything but lies.
I don't know what your story is. I don't know if you find yourself plagued by insecurity and comparison, or if your battle looks a little bit different. Whatever you're facing right now, I just want to take a moment and remind you that it will get better. You will get better, whatever "better" looks like. Each moment someone reminds me of this, I am tempted to brush their comforts away and zero in on my reality.
I must remember, however, that my reality is not reality.
Your reality is not reality.
Take your time and be honest with yourself, but do not let the lies define you in places Truth has already been.
My prayer for not only myself, but for all of you, is this:
Lord over all insecurities
Lord over all anxieties
Lord over all fears,
Speak peace.
xoxo,
Hannah
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