I’ve spent a lot of time picturing the day I meet my future husband.
We’ll both be shopping in a bookstore and reach for the same book.
He’ll be working as a barista in a coffee shop and write his phone number on my cup, sending me off with a wink and a promise of tomorrow.
I’ll be hurrying across campus at Lee and bump into him. My books will go flying everywhere, and he’ll reach down to help me pick them up. Our eyes will meet just as he’s handing me a book, and that’s how our epic love story will begin.
It’s fun imagining the future. I know it probably won’t happen in a way even remotely close to how I dream up in my head, but I know God’s way will be even more magical than my own.
Even still, I wonder.
I’m not one of those girls who’s been planning her wedding since she could walk. I don’t have a color scheme picked out or a dream wedding venue. I guess it’s always been the groom that is of the utmost importance to my wedding.
If you keep up with my blog, you’ll know I’m not the most experienced when it comes to relationships. I went to a small, private Christian school K-12th grades and the dating scene was scarce. But I did manage to graduate with several lasting friendships and a list of qualities I took notice of from various relationships and circumstances that I wanted to look for in my husband someday.
I believe these qualities are not only subject to my future spouse, but to every individual within every friendship and romantic relationship we make. These characteristics are both biblical and necessary to build relationships that will last. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my fair share of relationships that haven’t survived over the years. I’m not saying it’s because of a lack of any of these qualities, but there is something to be gained from spending a little time examining our hearts and asking God to show us how we can be more purposeful people.
Vulnerability:
Let’s just be real for a second: How many of us fall short of honesty every single day?
The answer is everyone. We’re all deceptive sinners.
I find it rather exhausting when I try to keep up appearances and convince everyone around me that I have my life together when I’m actually a mess. And not only is it exhausting, it’s also painfully unfair to the people who love me to shut them out of my mess.
But wait– isn’t it unfair to drag them through the dust alongside me?
This, my friends, is the paradox.
The way I see it, we can choose to live double lives– one in lonely, littered, and silent exile and one in a room full of people, feeling utterly alone as we scramble to cover up our clutter.
Or, we can choose to live one life, despite our disarray. We don’t have to introduce our messes as problems to people– we can just be honest. No secrets, no lies, and nothing to cover up our brokenness. Only the truth.
“I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes.” (Bob Goff)
We cannot be afraid to be vulnerable with each other. This is how relationships deepen and strengthen– we lean on each other’s shoulders and help each other grow. It’s a continual give-and-take. We only have to be willing to give a little truth.
Patience:
You hear those stories on TV and read about them in books about people waiting with quiet persistence for their future spouses. I actually read one a few days ago in the book Love Does by Bob Goff (pick up a copy at your nearest bookstore and read one chapter every night– you won’t regret it). Goff writes in chapter 7 on this same kind of persistence when he describes waiting for his wife.
He recounts how he would leave peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches under her windshield every day, sometimes including sweet notes. He pursued her for three years because to him, she was worth the wait.
“That’s what love does– it pursues blindly, unflinchingly, and without end. When you go after something you love, you’ll do anything it takes to get it, even if it costs everything.” (Bob Goff)
My heart melts every time I read Goff’s timeless love story. It makes me almost envious, knowing I probably won’t have a story like that. But that’s okay– I know my love story with my future husband will be perfect in the sense that God ordained every bit of it to fit both our personalities and to glorify the Lord.
You see, in today’s “ring by spring” culture (you can thank Lee University for that one 😉 ) and marriage by 23, everything has a time limit. If we don’t meet those time limits, people assume we’re doomed to be spinsters or bachelors the rest of our lives.
Ladies and gents, it’s a good thing we’re not bound by the standards of the world.
Patience doesn’t mean aimlessly waiting for something that may or may not arrive.
Patience means waiting for God to give you what you need in HIS timing.
Consideration:
This one’s near and dear to my heart. I find it so incredibly touching when someone pays attention to my interests, namely when it comes to writing. I’ve been writing since I was a kid, and my biggest ambition is to one day publish a book. I’ve always imagined it would be fiction, or maybe a memoir.
I find it incredibly difficult to verbalize this dream to people. I don’t know many other eighteen-year-olds who want to publish a novel. I hesitate telling people about my dream because I guess I worry they won’t understand why I want to write stories for the rest of my life or that they’ll think I’m a huge nerd (FYI: I am a huge nerd, especially when it comes to books). I guess this means I don’t have a ton of competition? It also means I get pretty lonely in my dreams sometimes.
I like writing stories because I like stretching my imagination. It’s fun to live in a world of your own creation, even if it’s just for a little while. If anything, books have taught me that my life is pretty fantastic and I don’t want to live in another world right now.
Yet, I still get stopped cold in my tracks when people ask me what I want to be when I grow up. The harsh reality of it is that rarely ever do people follow through with their dreams. I used to be so determined to be the one that actually did something big with her life, but now I feel my strength being sucked away with every new responsibility that comes my way.
Actually a couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a coworker about dreams. He was asking me about college, and I told him I was planning on minoring in writing. Normally when people ask each other about majors, we each give answers and move on to a different topic. I didn’t anticipate that he would care one bit to ask me why I wanted to minor in writing (I’m used to getting responses from people in the form of polite head-nods and “Oh, that’s cool”).
However, he kept peppering me with questions like “Why writing?” and “What do you want to do in that field?”. Eventually, I admitted to dreaming of writing a novel someday. He asked me what genre, I inwardly panicked because I guess I wasn’t expecting this kind of question and instead of saying “fiction” I said “I don’t know”, and he said simply and with a giant smile, “I think that’s awesome.”
“I believe it’s true that the right people can say words that can change everything. And guess what? We’re the ones who can say them.” (Bob Goff)
The difference between this guy’s simple response and the responses of those who only asked with minimal, passing interest is that his genuine enthusiasm made me feel like my dreams were worth something for the first time in I don’t know how long.
I believe God sends people our way in small doses to give us renewed energy and zeal for life. I think He knows sometimes we just need a little push to get us going again in the right direction. Sad as it may sound, I believe we’ve lost our sense of consideration in today’s culture. We ask questions like How are you? and What’s your major? merely to pass the time, and we immediately forget the other person’s answers because we didn’t really care what they were in the first place.
I feel so convicted of being passive in my relationships. I don’t check in with my friends authentically like I should. The thing is, we all need somebody to ask us how we’re doing and expect a true, completely honest answer instead of looking for an easy “I’m fine.” A little intentionality goes a long way, and you never really know what your words are going to mean to somebody– even if you don’t think they mean much.
I don’t know what your love story looks like or will look like. But I do know who the Author is. I hope you do too.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12: 1-2
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