i am overcome by a defeat of the heart.
from mid-august to this very moment, i have harbored the kind of determination and drive that comes when you know what you want and the steps you need to take in order to achieve that something.
i have allowed myself to take on a frightening amount of responsibilities, telling myself and the people around me that “i can handle it, i can do this.” the thing is, i never really stopped to think about how not giving these responosibilites my best attention could affect so many people other than myself.
for the past ten months i’ve not given myself a break, consistently working and when i wasn’t working beating myself up for been wasteful with my time and in general feeling as though, all year, nothing i did was right.
and people.
you can give your absolute all to people. you can give them the best advice you can imagine. you can pray for them. you can encourage them. you can offer your friendship and you can bear your soul.
and even still, people will forget those things quickly when something seemingly better comes along.
and through every bit of the pain this year has brought, i find myself desperately seeking a purpose. there must be one.
right?
….right?
……..right?
and with every day that passes, the hope that summer (both literally and figuratively) will come becomes smaller and smaller, and truthfully? i can’t see much of that hope anymore.
it’s all dismal, it’s all bittersweet, it’s all unwanted.
i didn’t ask for any of this.
since when did the world decide it was going to gang up on me, and how long is this awful winter going to last?
i want the good, and i want it now.
i’m sick of the waiting, i’m sick of the games, i’m spent.
but pain isn’t subject to one single indidvidual.
i believe something that has greatly aided me in not becoming as cynical as i could be is the fact that i am not alone in my suffering.
a long-term peer and friend of mine described this year by using the word commiseration, which essentially is group-suffering.
we aren’t placed on this planet to fend it tgrow pity-parties for ourselves. we weren’t designed to consistently feel as though we could never measure up to another. we will never grow if we continue to give our circumstances the power to knock us back down again.
i am learning, slowly, that the key to fulfillment is Jesus, and only He can fill us up.
“not everyone believes in her and not everyone supports her, but her God goes with her and that’s what sustains her.” || morgan harper-nichols
Comments