Every time I sit down to write with the intention of writing about college, I never really know where to begin.
Many of you have heard my Lee story, and if you haven’t, I’d be more than happy to share it with you anytime– just ask! Truthfully, I feel as though I’m still living it– and rightly so.
I’ve posted lots of pictures of all the fun I’ve been having the past three weeks at college, from literally chasing waterfalls in Signal Mountain to a free Colony House concert to joining a women’s ministry group called Delight. I have more friends than I deserve, and there are few times like these in my life where I’ve felt so authentically loved by the people around me. I’ve been blessed with a roommate who I can rant to and pray with and two equally amazing suitemates who encourage me daily.
There is an overwhelming sense of acceptance that you can feel when you set foot on Lee’s campus. It’s so difficult to describe– you just have to experience it for yourself.
Among all these undeserved blessings, however, I still find myself struggling to keep my head above the waves.
Two weeks before I moved to Cleveland, I was overcome by petrifying anxiety and doubt. I couldn’t see past the present moment– I felt heartbreakingly sad for no apparent reason. After all, the day I’ve been waiting for close to a year has almost arrived! I’m only moving an hour and a half from home, and I can see my family on weekends. What’s there to be depressed for?
For three or four days, my appetite was nonexistent. I forced food down my throat and faked a smile at family events. It’s as if, without any warning at all, my world was being thrown widely off-balance and I could not find my center.
I believe this anxiety had been settling in beneath the surface for several months– I just couldn’t see it among all the excitement and anticipation. Before this happened, I wasn’t worried about moving from home at all. I was certain I could handle it– after all, I managed two weeks in Europe without my family, and truth be told I didn’t want to come home.
Unlike many of my friends, who still gripped a bit of healthy fear at the idea of moving from home, I hadn’t felt that fear until those two weeks before departing on the journey of the rest of my life. I was idealistically optimistic, and in my weakness, it brought about a swift and frightening downfall.
During those two weeks, I searched for God desperately. I accepted Him into my heart as a bright-eyed seven-year-old, but throughout my life have dealt with periods of doubting. The last doubting spell was probably when I was about thirteen or fourteen years old, and by the grace of God, I was able to overcome it with repeated Truth. In the present moment, I had a tiny ray of hope that I could overcome again because of His love in the past, and the great thing about His love is that it never fails– even when ours does.
Coming into college straight out of a period of anxious desperation, I realized how much I needed God at every moment of every day, and that even if I didn’t feel His Presence, He is still with me. My desires for a boyfriend or a place to call home disappeared as God gently reminded me that I can make it another day without man’s affection, but I cannot make it through a single day without Him.
I’m not trying to paint a perfect picture of restoration, because I don’t feel like I’ve overcome this battle quite yet. Each day brings its own anxieties and frets, but the beautiful thing about God is that I don’t have to do anything to earn His grace or even a seat at His table. He’s waiting for me, and you, and anyone who wants to belong.
He never promised this life would be without its trials. I didn’t understand that completely until I was brought so low that I couldn’t see anything but Jesus. And when you’re brought low, there is nowhere else to go but up.
Today, a friend of mine posted on her Instagram story this much-needed reminder:
“Count in all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”
-James 1:2-3
Something I missed the last few times I read those verses is the word joy. ‘Joy’, much like ‘intentionality’ and ‘fellowship’ (among many others) is in the family of words we as Christians like to toss around in conversation. They’re beautiful words, but how often do we really mean them when we casually throw them around?
Do you, precious friend, have true joy today? Are you confident in the Lord to bring you out into a spacious place once again, as He never fails to do? I ask myself this question just as I am asking you. Do I have true joy?
Life seriously sucks sometimes. Like, seriously. Satan is trying his hardest to wear us down and convince us Jesus is not strong enough to lift us out of our deep, sinful pits, and that we are unworthy of God’s forgiveness. The Enemy will attack from every angle and every sliver of light, tearing us down and causing us to doubt everything we know to be true.
But fear– he is a liar.
You and me– all of us– are worth infinitely more than the world tries to convince us. We don’t need to prove anything to anyone. And if you think for one second that your problems and worries are too small and insignificant for God to heal, think again.
Literally two days ago, on Wednesday, I had an encounter with the Lord in the sense that I could see Him parting the waves and making a way in a situation I believed was too beneath His line of work. I’d been worrying about this particular situation ever since moving to Lee a month ago, but I was afraid the hype in my head was more than the actual situation and that nothing Divine needed to happen to sort through it.
BUT MY LORD, being unfathomably more patient and merciful, broke through my dark clouds of doubts and formed a perfect path to restoration and closure with this person.
My dear, precious friends: Nothing is too small for God. To even consider something beneath His provision contradicts His loving character.
Again, my friends, I do not have my life together. I’ve cried more times than I can count this week, and some weeks are just like that. I’ve learned that there’s no reason to be ashamed of my weaknesses because in Him I am strong. Our bodies and minds grow weak, anxious, and hopeless, but we can find rest in His Presence.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
-Psalms 73:26
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