Two-thousand and eighteen.
This year wrecked me in a number of ways. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Several “planned” things happened, and also several unplanned. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I journal all the time. I started a prayer journal at the beginning of the semester, I have a journal filled with letters to my future husband, I have a travel journal I use to write about trips, I have a journal for inspirational things I think of– you name it, I probably have a journal dedicated to whatever it is. Since I returned home for Christmas break, I’ve been periodically flipping through my “everything” journal that I left at my house. I found several entries dated back to around this time (the end of December to the beginning of January). According to my journal:
A year ago, I had just decided where I wanted to go to college but knew nothing about the rest of my story from there.
A year ago, I felt lonely and bitter– trapped in a cage of comparison. However, I also claimed I didn’t care what people thought of me anymore. Oh, the irony.
A year ago, I was blinded by possibility.
I also listed three New Years’ resolutions for 2018:
Be braver.
Be bolder.
Be kinder.
I don’t think I actually looked at those resolutions for the rest of the year. I’m positive I forgot at least two of them. However, although I wasn’t necessarily making a conscious effort to “stick by my resolutions” all year, I do believe they’ve remained a theme in my life over the course of 2018.
Be braver. I could say all the things for this one. I learned a little more about what it means to be myself rather than following the crowd in everything. I started to relinquish my desire for control and instead courageously trust God with everything. I became better at replacing lies from the Enemy with Truth from the Savior.
On January 27, I wrote about embracing independence. That night, I learned I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone. I wrote: High school is about maturing and chasing after God so He can show you little pieces of who you are until they all start to fit together.
I took a leap of faith in believing that God has greater things in store for me than the disappointments and people who hurt me. I learned that missed opportunities rarely exist and should instead be referred to as “near misses” (most of the time).
I learned to fiercely love my life, despite all the things I think I’m ready for, but God says “not yet”.
In March, I left the country for the first time and embarked on a two-week journey across foreign soil and language barriers– all of which was exciting, but a little terrifying. I fought irrational fears that threatened to steal my anticipation about the trip, like acts of terrorism in the cities we were going to or that the plane would crash.
And finally, I learned my worth– although it’s no easy thing to realize (and something I remind myself of often)– and that it’s okay to be single until the right guy comes along. I cannot lower my standards or else my lowered standards will lower me. I have a feeling I’ll be fighting more of these “lesser-than” battles in 2019– but hey, I’m going on nearly nineteen years of experiencing. Piece of cake.
I think Morgan Harper Nichols said it best:
Guard your heart from those that only love you in the shallow end; When you’re all made up, and out with friends. You were made for more than satisfying the eyes and momentary affections of those passing by. Your Maker has set a glorious depth in you: filled with purpose, invention, grace, and truth. And to love you, they must love Him far beyond the shallow end. (Storyteller: 100 Poem Letters by Morgan Harper Nichols)
Be bolder. This one’s easy, surprisingly. For starters, I got my nose pierced spontaneously at the beach. I got bangs after a lot of people told me not to (but the bangs are here to stay). I “defined the relationship” with a couple of guys I almost dated but didn’t for various reasons (which used to absolutely petrify me); however, assertion is something I continue to become better at with practice (it’s scary to tell someone how you feel). On a similar note, I learned how to stick up for myself and other people using a fierceness I did not know I had in me. I fought my fear of rejection and went out of my way to say hello or try to make someone feel welcomed and appreciated. I’ve noticed a trend in my boldness the past few years– all throughout high school, I’ve stepped further and further away from my comfort zone because I reasoned I would struggle to attain anything I wanted without a little risk. I’ve learned the past four-and-a-half years that that’s mostly true. So, thus I’ll continue practicing my boldness in 2019.
Boldness: The willingness to shine bright with radiant fearlessness, even when you do not know what will happen. (Morgan Harper Nichols)
Be kinder. Oh boy, this one felt like the equivalent of waxing my eyebrows twenty times in a row sometimes. There are plenty of people in the world that are easy to love and show kindness to. But there are also plenty of people in the world you’d rather stick your hand in a car door than flash a smile at. Some people I crossed paths with brought up feelings of jealousy because they had something I wanted. Some people brought out a sense of competition in me to be the best, the most popular, the most “whatever”. Other people appeared to be so irritating and obnoxious, or they blew their second and third chances that I struggled to love them the same as my friends. I struggled deeply in the kindness department in 2018, but I hope to continue practicing as I venture into 2019.
Some wisdom from Bob Goff– someone I have not met, but really want to be best friends with:
We need to love everybody, always. Jesus never said doing these things would be easy. He just said it would work. (Everybody, Always by Bob Goff)
Nuggets of wisdom from my “everything” journal of 2018:
You can’t rush true love…If love doesn’t want to be found yet, it’s a guarantee you won’t find it (see Song of Solomon 3:5).
This world is full of liars, cheaters, and shallow loves. Yet the world often tricks us into believing those liars, cheaters, and shallow loves are the best we’re ever gonna get because the world knows how desperate we are for love.
Regarding my first flight overseas: God is just as faithful and powerful in the sky as He is here on land.
Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will.
The Enemy’s pull might be strong, but God’s faithfulness and my desire to see the world is much, much stronger.
Try to stay out of your head. If you allow your mind to make all of the decisions, you never know what your heart could be missing out on.
There’s so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about, and so much to praise God for.
Song suggestions for 2019:
Chasing Waves by Vista Kicks
I Found by Amber Run
Quarter-Life Crisis by Judah & the Lion
Nothing I Hold Onto by Will Reagan
Stupid Deep by Jon Bellion
Don’t Let It Get You Down by Johnnyswim
Sunshine by POWERS
I Don’t Wanna Go by Chris Renzema
Are We Alone? by COIN
You Are Enough by Sleeping At Last
Dancing on the Moon by Isla Vista Worship
Book suggestions for 2019:
Love Does by Bob Goff
Wait and See by Wendy Pope
Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst
Single Dating Engaged Married by Ben Stuart
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (my personal favorite)
Happy 2019, friends. Expect God to move and welcome all He places in your path.
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